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i'm so tired..

i'll be filtering some of my posts soon....something i've never, EVER done in the almost 8 years i've been keeping an online journal.

but, i need to gradually work into a mode of being completely myself. i've stopped sooooo many times from saying what i really mean (or quickly deleted entries before too many eyes witnessed)

for those who read anonymously, you might wanna get an Lj account if you wanna read the baby smith dirt.

i'm so very tired of being tired.

over n'out.


( 26 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 14th, 2006 06:40 am (UTC)
i've stopped sooooo many times from saying what i really mean (or quickly deleted entries before too many eyes witnessed)

and that is my LJ existence. and i don't like it.
Oct. 14th, 2006 07:01 am (UTC)
well, you've made your way onto my filtered mess of thoughts....
it's a tangly web we weave, yah?.. trying to express and yet not offend?

i, for one, am fed up.
Oct. 14th, 2006 07:05 am (UTC)
offend and the fear of judgement. mind you, this is all my shit; the folks on my flist are fabulous and i feel more than a little guilty that i use them for my enjoyment without returning the favor.

in this we (you and i) are different though yes? you're an artist; you put yourself out there all the time for others to view and silently and not-so-silently value and judge. why is it not the same with what you write?
Oct. 14th, 2006 07:39 am (UTC)
ooooooh, my art will always be on my sleeve....do NOT get me wrong. i''ll prance joyfully with dangling naked bits....and probably flash things you weren't even prepared to see, and THEN some, when it comes to my art.

but, my words.....my thoughts.....my deeeeeeeepest thoughts? very personal observations???? things i could put in a written journal and hide away until well after i'm pulverized and scattered in some such field? well, THAT, my friend, could MAKE OR BREAK me in this, ooooooh so superficial art world. plus, i have family that reads this journal, and i'm so tired of being the sugar sweet girl. yes, i'm a potty mouth....and i'm FUCKiNG proud of it. ;D

one day, people will accept me for who i am...but, until then....i'll just have to live my life on my own terms...or at least die trying.
Oct. 14th, 2006 12:00 pm (UTC)
it's better to filter a little than completely stuff a sock in your mouth, i say.

i have gone through periods of telling *everything* in public to posting an image with a generic caption ... it is good to have the option to make words less public, if it is more comfortable at a certain time. it is *your* life document and you get to call the shots.
Oct. 14th, 2006 08:10 pm (UTC)
I really like the way she said that...
I definitely empathize, Dr. B... it's a way to connect with people and if you can't be open and honest in the connections you form with people in this forum, what hope is there for those honest, caring connections in less virtual interactions? I was also very hesitant to make any private or protected entries... at one point, it became almost a badge of honour for me to proudly display how much better I was because I could make that claim.

But I realized that I was being less than honest, even with my personal code of morality and ethics... and, as your friend above said so eloquently, I found it more in line with my sense of myself ot filter a little than completely stuff a sock in my mouth... although the people on my friends list might have wished I'd gone with the latter choice! :)

And I do regret posting some stuff for others to see at all (mainly about Meg since I feel so protective about that) but when you're emotionally vulnerable, thoughts and words NEED to flow. So let them flow out, my dear... and protect the posts so you won't have to be worried about hurting or offending anyone! Besides, it's very easy to go in the reverse direction at a later point... if you get it all out and it seems like it wasn't that big a deal, you can always just make those posts public again! :o)
Oct. 14th, 2006 09:23 pm (UTC)
Re: I really like the way she said that...
what you say is so true...that it almost became a pride issue by wearing your heart on your sleeve for so long. and for the most part, i have no problem saying what i mean and meaning what i say. but, bridges can be burned so easily in this forum, and i guess i'm a whoosy and choose the easier, most comfortable path...for now anyway.

thanks doc, you always make my boos boos feel better.. ;D
Oct. 14th, 2006 03:21 pm (UTC)
I know the feeling. You need to feel safe before you tell, and that is a wise thing.


Oct. 14th, 2006 09:28 pm (UTC)
although i wanna get past my fear of showing weakness, speaking my true mind, etc....making the occasional locked post might just be the solution...for now.
Oct. 14th, 2006 05:03 pm (UTC)
That's why I made the decision to create a friends locked journal. I didn't realize my employers and everyone else had found me, read me and ridiculed me. One of my employers went as far as driving me to quit because the harrassment was too much. What really got me was my name and their name wasn't present . . . they found me from searching my private email address's prefix . . . which is not linked to any of my work related things. ::sighs::

Sorry to babble. This kind of reality just shakes me up a bit.
Oct. 14th, 2006 09:33 pm (UTC)
whoa....that's some scary shit!!!! you need to invest in a state of the art titanium industrial strength lock!!! sorry to hear all that happened to you..geez.
Oct. 15th, 2006 12:36 pm (UTC)
Shocked me, to be honest -- I never imagined I'd be going through something like that. Now, everyone who "friends me" is checked out because I worry it's someone who is saying they're one person and they're really another. Yep, I'm on edge.
Oct. 14th, 2006 07:08 pm (UTC)
I can definitely identify with this. My last journal was strictly friends only and I kept it to around 10 ppl. When I started this journal, I wanted to experiment with being more open and meeting new people because I was so closed off with my last journal. It worked for a time, then it began to make me a tad uncomfortable as more people from my city started adding me, etc. I'm still more open than I was previously, but now I'm predominantly friends only, filtered, or private, with the odd thing passing through to public. You gotta do what makes you most comfortable.
Oct. 14th, 2006 09:45 pm (UTC)
it's so interesting to me to see how people use this online tool...it's an amazing way to connect and feel a part of something....dare i say 'revolutionary?'

it is better to be more protective in this arena, though, i agree. i s'pose any thoughts not intended for others to see could always be written down in our dear old diaries and locked far, far away.
Oct. 14th, 2006 10:12 pm (UTC)
I think it's safe to say this forum of communication and connection is revolutionary.

I always have a paper journal on the go, and I have a locked chest filled with diaries. Even that makes me nervous. :)

Oct. 14th, 2006 10:14 pm (UTC)
oops! yeesh, that was me, not some radom internet stalker.
Oct. 16th, 2006 12:44 am (UTC)
hee heee heeeeee...i rather prefer the random stalker, as opposed to saaaaay the methodically razor sharp variety. ;D
Oct. 16th, 2006 09:40 pm (UTC)
ahahahaha! good point! :D
Oct. 14th, 2006 10:33 pm (UTC)
This is exactly what I go through.
My family reads my journal, and all but a few of my entries are public. My mother actually emailed me a couple of months ago to remind me that I should watch what I write since she reads it. I started it as a professional forum. My friends are artists, and the posts about art and aesthetics, posting about process, are why I keep it. There have been a couple of things that I've posted friends only because of this. The funny thing is that I always keep the stuff pg13 because people at work know about it, and I'm a public school teacher. PG 13 is, however, a little racy for my mother. Arghhh!!

I also have a stash of journal/sketchbooks dating back to the early '80's. I still write in them sometimes, but I've also started doing some private posts in my livejournal that only I can see.

And, I could just post some of my saltier entries friends only, too. Some stuff can be just for a smaller circle.
Oct. 14th, 2006 11:37 pm (UTC)
Re: This is exactly what I go through.
hee heeee...lucky for me my mom is still firmly placed in the mid 20th century as far as technology is concerned...and i don't have to hold my tongue nearly as much as someone like you, who's in the public school system. but, i do have family members that read this once in awhile (my sister, mainly, who's just as much, if not MORE, of a potty mouth than me..HAHAHA)

i guess it's all about balance...and if i feel like i want to express something personal and still have possible feedback, i'll lock the entries for a small group of trusted 'friends.'

i still wanna get to a point where i'm not so paranoid about saying certain things, though. paralysis can lead to major meltdowns, yah?

Oct. 15th, 2006 05:49 am (UTC)
Re: This is exactly what I go through.
definitely, censorship is not a good thing. Paralysis and meltdowns? Oh, yeah.

And, a few hours later, having just come back from the studio, and with a glass of wine, I say, the hell with it.

It really is a pendulum with me. I think about the person who posted about their psycho boss stalking them online. That is scary. Fortunately for me, I belong to a union. And fortunately, I'm the least of my boss's problems.

Hey, at least we don't live in 14th century Europe, right? You and I would most certainly have had an authority problem then!!!
Oct. 15th, 2006 07:14 pm (UTC)
Re: This is exactly what I go through.
you hit that right on the fuckin money!!! and proud of it!!! also, I read your journal daily. I feel closer to you that way. I hope you feel you can say any and everthing to me, cause I sure as shit do!!! love you, pammy

Oct. 16th, 2006 01:34 am (UTC)
Re: This is exactly what I go through.
FUCK yeah!!!
that's my pammy!!!!

you DO realize this is all a feeble attempt to get you to join Lj and start sharing your 'wipey the old people's butty' stories, YAH?!!!!! the world NEEEEEEEDS to know the pammy chronicles!!!!..WAY more than they need my chicken shit tales.. *sigh*

and just so ya know, i'd keep nnnnnothing from you. NOTHiNG. your as good and close as a blood sistuh to me...if not bettuh.

on a side note....i thought about you today. about your laugh (of all things?). how infectious it is, how maNiacle(!) it is. i've always liked that about you. you give off this air of reckless abandon, and yet, you're, oh so responsible. the ultimate care taker with a fucked up twist!!! you're truly unique and beautiful...who i'd love to be when i grow up.

plus, you make a mean fucking banana bread!!! GAH!!!! did i forget the monster cookies?!!!! droooooooool......

Oct. 15th, 2006 06:48 am (UTC)
U hear you. I have been increasingly locking more posts, mainly because my daughter and her friends have lj's now and she knows my lj name. One of the joys of having my computer (that she uses as well) in the kitchen - so I can keep my eye on what she is up to on the internet but I see that it works both ways. I told her to stay out of my lj and I would stay out of hers but I don't know if she (or her friends) read it or not. Some of the stuff in mine could SCAR HER FOR LIFE. (or at least scare her for life teehee) Things that I don't want ANY loved ones to read, let alone my teenage daughter.
Oct. 15th, 2006 06:49 am (UTC)
Oops, that was me.
Oct. 16th, 2006 01:19 am (UTC)
well, i believe *i've* been scarred for life having read some of your posts, dear ms. baby!!!! ;D (and for some odd reason, my left eye twitches each and every time i hear the song 'love me tender, now'....go figure....and this, i might add, is coupled with a fierce and palpable urge to take THE biggest dump known to humankind!!!!) so, i'm glad to hear you're at least attempting to shield the dear youngin' from any questionable scribbles. and something tells me YOU would suffer the most scarrage after reading some of her teenie bopper postings...like, yipe!
( 26 comments — Leave a comment )