but, i need to gradually work into a mode of being completely myself. i've stopped sooooo many times from saying what i really mean (or quickly deleted entries before too many eyes witnessed)
for those who read anonymously, you might wanna get an Lj account if you wanna read the baby smith dirt.
i'm so very tired of being tired.
over n'out.
Comments
and that is my LJ existence. and i don't like it.
it's a tangly web we weave, yah?.. trying to express and yet not offend?
i, for one, am fed up.
in this we (you and i) are different though yes? you're an artist; you put yourself out there all the time for others to view and silently and not-so-silently value and judge. why is it not the same with what you write?
but, my words.....my thoughts.....my deeeeeeeepest thoughts? very personal observations???? things i could put in a written journal and hide away until well after i'm pulverized and scattered in some such field? well, THAT, my friend, could MAKE OR BREAK me in this, ooooooh so superficial art world. plus, i have family that reads this journal, and i'm so tired of being the sugar sweet girl. yes, i'm a potty mouth....and i'm FUCKiNG proud of it. ;D
one day, people will accept me for who i am...but, until then....i'll just have to live my life on my own terms...or at least die trying.
i have gone through periods of telling *everything* in public to posting an image with a generic caption ... it is good to have the option to make words less public, if it is more comfortable at a certain time. it is *your* life document and you get to call the shots.
But I realized that I was being less than honest, even with my personal code of morality and ethics... and, as your friend above said so eloquently, I found it more in line with my sense of myself ot filter a little than completely stuff a sock in my mouth... although the people on my friends list might have wished I'd gone with the latter choice! :)
And I do regret posting some stuff for others to see at all (mainly about Meg since I feel so protective about that) but when you're emotionally vulnerable, thoughts and words NEED to flow. So let them flow out, my dear... and protect the posts so you won't have to be worried about hurting or offending anyone! Besides, it's very easy to go in the reverse direction at a later point... if you get it all out and it seems like it wasn't that big a deal, you can always just make those posts public again! :o)
thanks doc, you always make my boos boos feel better.. ;D
xoxo
although i wanna get past my fear of showing weakness, speaking my true mind, etc....making the occasional locked post might just be the solution...for now.
Sorry to babble. This kind of reality just shakes me up a bit.
it is better to be more protective in this arena, though, i agree. i s'pose any thoughts not intended for others to see could always be written down in our dear old diaries and locked far, far away.
I always have a paper journal on the go, and I have a locked chest filled with diaries. Even that makes me nervous. :)
I also have a stash of journal/sketchbooks dating back to the early '80's. I still write in them sometimes, but I've also started doing some private posts in my livejournal that only I can see.
And, I could just post some of my saltier entries friends only, too. Some stuff can be just for a smaller circle.
i guess it's all about balance...and if i feel like i want to express something personal and still have possible feedback, i'll lock the entries for a small group of trusted 'friends.'
i still wanna get to a point where i'm not so paranoid about saying certain things, though. paralysis can lead to major meltdowns, yah?
And, a few hours later, having just come back from the studio, and with a glass of wine, I say, the hell with it.
It really is a pendulum with me. I think about the person who posted about their psycho boss stalking them online. That is scary. Fortunately for me, I belong to a union. And fortunately, I'm the least of my boss's problems.
Hey, at least we don't live in 14th century Europe, right? You and I would most certainly have had an authority problem then!!!
i
that's my pammy!!!!
you DO realize this is all a feeble attempt to get you to join Lj and start sharing your 'wipey the old people's butty' stories, YAH?!!!!! the world NEEEEEEEDS to know the pammy chronicles!!!!..WAY more than they need my chicken shit tales.. *sigh*
and just so ya know, i'd keep nnnnnothing from you. NOTHiNG. your as good and close as a blood sistuh to me...if not bettuh.
on a side note....i thought about you today. about your laugh (of all things?). how infectious it is, how maNiacle(!) it is. i've always liked that about you. you give off this air of reckless abandon, and yet, you're, oh so responsible. the ultimate care taker with a fucked up twist!!! you're truly unique and beautiful...who i'd love to be when i grow up.
plus, you make a mean fucking banana bread!!! GAH!!!! did i forget the monster cookies?!!!! droooooooool......
-b