Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry


stopped by the goodwill store on my junk walk..
i used to always think i liked thrift stores because i'm cheap.
now i know better.

did this person donate this skirt because they lost 50 pounds and no longer want 'fat' clothes? or did they gain 50 pounds and not want to be reminded of their thinner, more socially acceptable self. did another person leave behind a men's dress shirt because it was no longer in fashion, or because it was their husband's, who just passed away?

i realized i'm on the hunt for something much bigger than a bargain. i want history. i want to be connected. i want to feel these people's stories by smelling the essence of perfume left behind, beholding the markings from everyday life.

many people ask where the name baby smith comes from..
it was the name given to me by the state of nebraska before i was adopted. although i've met a large part of my biological family and am deeply indebted to my adoptive family for taking me in..............

i'm still searching.


Jul. 16th, 2005 11:17 pm (UTC)
Re: Aww, Dr. B, I feel like sending you a big virtual hug, my dear...
feelin' the looooooooooooooove.
anybody wanna sing koom-bye-yah?
Jul. 17th, 2005 02:32 am (UTC)
Re: Aww, Dr. B, I feel like sending you a big virtual hug, my dear...
Ok, I want in on the hugfest, too. I have a hard time understanding the searching, in my mind you are, have been and always will be my best sister in the world. Growing up, I never thought about the fact that you were adopted. Maybe because I wanted a sister so bad and Mom and Dad could only produce boys-except me. (just a little aside-Gizmo is giving my legs a bath-feels weird) I want so badly to really understand what you feel. I can't imagine what life would be like without you as a sis.
Jul. 17th, 2005 08:07 am (UTC)
Re: Aww, Dr. B, I feel like sending you a big virtual hug, my dear...
you know..
i never really thought about it until now.
and how selfish of me..
but, i never realized you might have felt angst because you never had a 'biological' sister. i mean, am i hearing you correctly? i never thought of you as my 'adoptive' sister, but you were old enough when i came on the scene that you may have thought jipped because mom and dad couldn't make another little pammy. i was always lead to believe that i was kinda the 'gift for pam.' which never really bothered me..i just thought it was kinda cool that m&d would have it in their hearts to sacrifice for another hungry mouth in order to balance the family tree. weird. i think it would be a trip to have an all family therapy session, just to see where we all stand on a lot of things. there's such a disconnect, with all of us so spread out now.

but, all i now, is i'd feel a gaping hole without you there pammy. i idolized you then and i worship you now.

i think the hardest part of being adopted is the mystery. there's just so much that i'll never know, no matter how many stories vicki tells me. i'm connected to her only through blood and tissue. i don't feel any more connected to her ancestry than i do yours. and i'll never know rick's side (bio dad) partly because i don't care to get involved with a screw up. it gnaws at me that my only bio half sibling either doesn't know i exist or doesn't care to know me. (rick's son) i hate that. if i had a relation out there (he's an only child) i would at least be curious. it pains me that he may want nothing to do with me. i mean, what did i ever do to him? this is all speculation, mind you. but, i'm trying to explain why it's a distraction in my life. sometimes too much mystery is destructive..

i don't think about this stuff often. but, when i do it just makes my mind race, that's all. it's not like i'm upset..i'm just bewildered. which isn't all that bad of a state to be in, considering i'm an artist and my head is in the clouds half the time anyway.

i love you pammy. how lucky was it that i happened to be in the right place at the right time to balance the persons' sisterhood gap? to be in the company of such a cool chick like yourself, who had the hippest 70's clothes and the biggest stash of nail polish this side of anywhere. not to mention a smile that would melt my heart..the way your tongue always nestles right in between your front teeth and somehow says 'i love you becky, no matter what.'

i mean really. i lucked out..

Jul. 17th, 2005 12:27 pm (UTC)
Re: Aww, Dr. B, I feel like sending you a big virtual hug, my dear...
So did I sis, so did i.
Jul. 17th, 2005 08:11 pm (UTC)
Re: Aww, Dr. B, I feel like sending you a big virtual hug, my dear...
oh this is all so sweet and touching... someone pass me some kleenex please :'(

(and my sister is a real pain in the ass obsessive so its good to see you two so close, regardless of blood lines)

now get me those tissues please!!