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just thinkin' out loud..

i think of all the names i’ve been handed in life, either by friends,family, or circumstance..baby smith seems the most fitting. it was the name given to me by the state of nebraska after i was born and before i was adopted. it describes a person who feels a bit lost in the world, who craves stability, yearns to love and be loved, and yet sees the freedom of being beholden to no one..a person who learns to embrace life’s endless search for happiness and beauty and enjoy the simple act of putting puzzle pieces in to place, without feeling she’s failed if the picture’s not complete. baby smith represents a moment in my life riddled with uncertainty, while at the same time full of hope and anticipation for a future yet unseen.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 29th, 2005 04:29 pm (UTC)
I echo that sentiment, though for me my pre-adoption name was a full name (given by biological mother) that I feel doesn't fit me, like unto the name that my parents gave me and I've lived with, which doesn't fit me. I've spoken with them in length about this, feeling were hurt, so I've agreed to not legally change my name.. but.. Claudia Drake fits. It's the truest name to me, and as an adult who's had two names so far, I feel qualified to claim it.
Aug. 29th, 2005 07:31 pm (UTC)
how interesting..your progression. it's a slippery slope dealing with parent's sensitivities. in a way i can understand their initial reaction, but the fact that you're comfortable in your decision and you've communicated that you're not doing it to offend should ease their tension. hey, we only have a short time here, we might as well make the best of it, right?

i think claudia drake sounds very purposeful..and it rolls off the tongue quite lyrically.
good choice.

and i wouldn't worry about changing it legally just yet. technically, the government and bank tellers are the only souls who truly need to know your legal name..heh. and just give the post office heads up on your new pseudonym. your parents/friends, etc. can still call you what they've always called you, but those names will now become nicknames in your mind..

Aug. 30th, 2005 02:39 am (UTC)
I feel fortunate that they're good people, and the love goes both ways actively. It helps the lines of communication on the issue, in spite of touchy feelings. I'm secretly hoping that I can wear them down over time. No, their tensions are not eased in the least, they were offended initially because they put effort meaning into choosing my name, they feel that it's important, and that isn't going to go away regardless of how comfortable that I am with the other.

Thank you, it fits for me, I knew it from the moment I put it together, I knew it was right.

Ha! Actually it's a mess, I've been living between both and galleries get confused in the jumble of both, come tax time it's going to be interesting, even simple acquaintences get confused and I find myself constantly in a position to have to explain it. Thereotically you would think it would be simple, but in practice i'm finding it's anything but. My friends call me Claudia, (because they know that I despise the other, and prefer it), the only people who refer to me as the other are my parents and my siblings. I'm much more in tune with the Claudia, I just wish that I could change it and be done with it... but I'm trying, I'm really trying to respect those that I love most (my folks). Trying. That's love for you, always complicated. ;]
Aug. 30th, 2005 03:08 am (UTC)
my heart goes out to you...
your trying harder than most!!!!

it really just has to make you chuckle in the end.
my brother sent me a check a few weeks ago addressed to my maiden name (i've been divorced for 3+ years...but, did he NOT know i kept my legal married name? was it a slip because he'll always think of me as his eleven year younger, snotty nosed sister? it speaks to so many issues..but, i just have to laugh sometimes.

i commend you for keeping the peace. you feel right with it, and it will all fall into place eventually..some transistions just aren't worth the turmoil.

Aug. 29th, 2005 06:04 pm (UTC)

...i was definitely wondering where that moniker came from... what an interesting backstory :) :)
Aug. 29th, 2005 07:55 pm (UTC)
baby smith..
yeah, i s'pose it coulda been any number of scenarios.

the 90's teen hip-hop rapper sensation (who only played in toys R us stores) and pretty much lost it all, as seen on VH1's 'behind the music.'

or maybe an ex-con who lured her victims into her crib of lies and corruption by first speaking only baby talk...then repeating the words, ' are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet?' until her prey were helplessly trapped in a hypnotic trance. course, the jig was up when the whole smelly diapers thing snapped them back into reality.
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